A view from rock bottom

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If you keep telling yourself you can’t do it, chances are you probably wont. I have an extremely hard time focusing on anything when all that is in my head is negative and destructive thoughts about myself. Always taking the difficult, bumpy roads rather than the smooth sailing lane.
I have given into my emotions and put myself in the position of hating the girl I am, hating myself for changing and being so weak. I’d repeatedly tell myself that everything is too much. Simple things like getting dressed and putting makeup on is too much. What’s the point?
Isolating myself to the confides of my bedroom for nearly a month, not being able to face anyone because I didn’t have the energy to put the happy face on and make small talk and thinking to myself that no one likes me. I have no value because all I do is disappoint and let the people I care about down. My doctor’s words were “you aren’t in a good mental state, so I don’t think therapy will benefit you right now. Instead, I’ll prescribe you a new anti-depressant which may throw your emotions all over the place and if things get worse to go to the hospital”.
Here I am, a complete mess, and no idea how to move past this.

XOXO DaiseyDropper

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19 thoughts on “A view from rock bottom

  1. My heart breaks to read this even though I don’t know you. I know what it’s like and your opening phrase couldn’t have been more spot on. I encourage you to think of all of the things you can do, the things you’re good at, the things you love about yourself. I know it can be hard but start your day thinking of the one thing you love most about yourself. Let that be the fuel to start your morning and help get you through the day. Climbing out of rock bottom starts with a step at a time and sometimes just holding onto where you were the day before. We are so much harder on ourselves than the world is. Don’t let those negative thoughts control you. I encourage you to find a song that speaks to your soul and really motivates you. Play it often and let the lyrics fill your head to drown out the thoughts. Sending you lots of love ❤

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  2. I have been where you are (minus the make-up). It really sux when the world gets so small, and everything seems to compound in on itself to create one whole ball of shit.

    What has helped me find some purpose is to focus on the small things. I really love the ocean so I have been trying to reconnect with my diving, so that I can once again enjoy that. You’ve also mentioned a loving partner, so perhaps trying to be present in your relationship with him can give you some purpose.

    Finally, I really disagree with what your doctor says. “You aren’t in a good mental state so therapy wont benefit you right now”. Seriously? You go to therapy to improve your mental state!! You don’t wait until you feel better and then engage with therapy!!

    Are you covered for private hospitals??? I know the wait list for the public system here in aus can be pretty long.

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    1. Thank you Phil, my loving partner is extremely supportive but doesn’t understand how I feel. I don’t expect him to either because I don’t fully understand what is going on with me. I have searched long and hard for a decent doctor who actually cares. They are so rare to find! My biggest fear was being dependant on anti-depressants and that’s what stage I am at. I know, I was and still am taken back from his words.
      He explained to me that due to my mental state, therapy wouldn’t do me any good because my mind won’t be able to retain the information and put it to good use. I do get that, but It also hurts hearing those words “nothing we can do at the moment”. I went back this morning and he said it again. But I am with you on this one, I feel I’m only getting worse and worse. Its almost as if the doctor is prescribing me happy pills and making me wait till I feel better until we teach you how to live and control your emotions. I am well and truly over my thoughts and I don’t think I can handle the anxiety and depression getting worse. My mind is on repeat thinking I won’t ever be “well” enough for someone to help.
      I did get referred to the nsw adult mental health service at the same time they swapped my medications. I couldn’t physically get myself to that initial appointment and since then all I have heard is “you aren’t ready”.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve had a partner that doesn’t understand mental health and it really put a strain on our relationship. To be fair though, I didn’t fully understand her issues either. Hope your relationship is holding strong, hopefully your partner is able to talk to you about any concerns he has.

        When you say DR are you talking about a GP or are you actually seeing a psychiatrist??? It is really positive that you aren’t looking to rely on medications, cause in a lot of situations what works best is a combination of both medications and therapy. Usually medications can get you into that headspace where you are really able to push yourself with the therapy.

        That being said, therapy shouldn’t be all about intellectual learning, i mean it isn’t like you are back in school. I made the most progress when I checked into a private health facility for 3 weeks where it was all pretty structured and we did two group sessions a day.

        Right now your thoughts are definitely not being helpful, and that DR doesn’t sound like he is being helpful either. The process of trying out different meds can be a real nightmare in itself 😦

        Are you seeing a psychologist? Have you heard of the mental health plan?

        Try to focus on the right now. Try not to dwell too much in to the future, nor the past. Try your hardest to simplify things 🙂 I know what it is like to be caught up in all these not-so-nice thoughts

        Liked by 1 person

      2. It’s so hard because I don’t necessarily have any family so my partner is all I have to rely on for support. He is supportive on terms of taking me to appointments, taking phone calls, doing the shopping but the one thing that is missing at the moment is understanding.
        I feel terrible for how weak I have become and for the fact I have given into these thoughts.
        Doctor as in my GP, I have begun a mental health plan but seeing a psychologist has been pushed back as I have been dealing with the medication changes.
        I go through what feels like a wave of emotions where I hate who I am and I feel like I won’t get past this because I feel so weak. I’m still finding it really hard to sleep because all I do is think, think, think.
        Then I will have moments where I think I really don’t deserve this, and all I have to do is take one step at a time. Whiplash from these emotions is extreme.
        Thank you again Phil, stranger or not, taking the time out to listen to me ramble on about my thoughts means a great deal to me.

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      3. It is my absolute pleasure to speak with you. I know exactly how tough it can get, especially when you are all alone. Social anxiety can be real nasty like that as it can stop us from doing the very thing which move us towards getting better.

        I strongly recommend you have a think about talking to a psychologist when you can. Doctors can be excellent care givers, and you can’t stereotype them all but from my experience doctors and psychologists approach things from different perspectives. A doctor will look at you from a medical perspective and see the illness as biological. Whereas a psychologist will see things from a psychotherapy view point and treat the illness mentally. I think this can be seen in your experience where the doctor threw medications at you and advised not getting other care until you were better.

        Always try to keep in mind that everything is your choice, and when you consult different health professionals they might not actually agree with each other, so getting a second opinion is also an option.

        Merry christmas for yesterday!! Hope you and your partner had an enjoyable day

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I truly feel your pain… How you can be in a room full of people that so called care for you and still feel so alone… Like why even be on earth. Smh… Hang in there sweet heart.. Thank you for supporting my blog to.. I appreciate the love…✌😎👍

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  4. Hi Daisey (:

    I’ve struggled off and on with depression and anxiety for the last 10-12 years–not nearly to the antidepressants and therapy extreme (though maybe if I’d gotten into that it would have made it worse) I can relate so well to the not having the energy to put out to do anything, then of course I’d be mad at myself for never getting things done, sitting around the house all the time, being too afraid to go out and do things like job interviews or school to actually go somewhere with my life.

    But there’s something I learned a while ago; the more I focus on what’s wrong with me, the worse it gets. I’ve fought an addiction for basically as long as depression, and the harder I tried not to, the more effort I put into programs and things to get myself off of it, the bigger a monster it became in my life, the stronger it gripped until I was afraid I would do something terrible.

    But when I stopped focusing on it, it lost almost all its power. Is it still a problem? Yes. But considerably less. And I can say the same for my depression. Putting all my effort into fixing it just turned into a vicious cycle that always came back around to me beating myself up further for failing again.

    But you have to find something else to fill the empty places, too. You mentioned in another post that you felt like something was missing in your life. That’s your ticket; find what fills that void and let yourself heal.

    For me, it was Jesus. In 12-step recovery programs there is always a step that involves finding a higher power, realizing that ‘hey…I can’t do this on my own, I’m just not strong enough.’ And Jesus has been that for me, he transformed (and is still transforming) my life, changed everything.

    And a last thought (: don’t try to change who you are. Don’t try to suppress yourself. If you have a passion, let it come alive because if you don’t let yourself be who you are, there isn’t anything but depression and death left. There’s only one YOU (: ❤

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    1. Bless you.
      You have no idea how much it means to me that you put effort into replying to me but also giving me solid advice. I really only have my partner for support and feeling alone when you feel this low is absolute torture.
      I really am struggling with finding my ‘thing’. I have no idea what that is, I thought I did but since this whole horror movie keeps re-plotting itself I am left so uncertain. I am really a weak person and I need to work on that but it is how I gave up on my life so easily.
      Again thank you, you are too kind.
      XOXO DaiseyDropper

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s OK to be weak, and it’s important to be honest with yourself and other people about where you’re at–that’s why admitting problems is the first step (: we can’t always find the strength in ourselves and that’s why it was so important for me to find my real strength was in Jesus. But that’s a whole nother story for another time (:
        Something that kind of struck me from your blog title is, if you’re at rock bottom there’s no lower you can go; you hit bedrock and sure maybe you’ve fallen a long way to get there but ultimately, there’s strength there. There’s strength in being honest about where you’re at, there’s strength in not beating yourself up or shaming or hating yourself for being weak. There’s strength in coming to the end of yourself and realizing what you’ve always done will get you where you always have gone. I wish you the very best on your journey (:

        Liked by 1 person

  5. The battle within yourself is a difficult one. The most important thing to remember here is that you have someone there that loves you and that you are not alone. You even have all of us to reach out to as well. We may be distant, but we all care and want the best for you. You are important and never think otherwise despite the battle within. Also, maybe instead of relying on chemical pills, look into all natural medicines that may be able to help you without harming you.

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    1. Thank you, i dont know why I was so ignorant to even think of natural remedies. In the beginning the people that we’re supporting me experienced similar issues and suggested I go to the doctors and get some medication to help. I wasn’t even thinking clearly, no idea what was wrong or happening to me I took the only advice I was given without asking the questions I should have.

      Liked by 1 person

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