Apologies for being distant these past few days!!
I hope everyone has enjoyed their holidays and is feeling as fat as Santa like me.
I truly got spoilt for Christmas. My fiance always does exceptionally well in the gift department. I had to kindly ask him to put a hold on buying me jewelry because I felt I wasn’t wearing all of my pieces very much and I didn’t want to seem unappreciative because I wasn’t wearing them all the time. This year he went more for the symbolic gifts and he scored 10/10 with me.
Firstly, we originally planned to visit his family who live near QLD for the holidays but as we are money tight at the moment, (bills, bills and more bills) we decided on postponing all the crazy until we are out of this rut.
Christmas morning I woke like I was 6 years old again I swear.
SANTA HAS BEEN!
There were no presents under the tree when I went to bed, yet I was staring at what looked like presents wrapped by someone other than my partner (he cannot wrap anything decent looking, lol). No offense to him he tries like every other man does (half-assed and rushed), and I was completely blown away because he did take his time and put effort into it and it turned out pretty darn good.
He made me feel so special, and from what you have probably previously read in my posts it means so much to me because I feel so shitty about myself lately. Having literally no family other than my little nieces and nephew my fiance has been my only friend and only supporter. That is until I started this blog, as a means to vent some of my confusing emotions and be able to interact with others on the similar page as me.
The card he gave me will explain the presents, he wrote:
It’s been a hell of a year!!! We have had everything thrown at us, we have been tested all year but I wouldn’t give it up for anything. Just being with you hearing you, feeling you is what get’s me through my day!!
You are beautiful!!!
I have given you a torch, to remind you that no matter how dark it gets you always have the power to make it lighter. A candle so you know time means nothing as long as you can appreciate the scents! Licorice so you can add a sweet touch to a sour day. And a plant that will give you flowers forever!!! Most of all Merry Christmas Daisey, All my love N.M”
This is so romantic for him, to express himself in a way that really got me thinking “This fella, yeah he does alright”. Haha
The plant he gave me is a black velvet rose bush, it is so pretty but I am scared by his words “flowers forever” – Yes, if I can keep the bloody things alive! I am still only a beginner in the garden and I have got two growing nicely at the moment so fingers crossed for me!
I am very lucky to have someone that is so attentive to my needs and knows that I would much prefer a sentimental gift over an expensive/materialistic one.
I really don’t know the last time I had a good day, but Christmas was definitely one of them. It was just us two, which seems lonely but we made the most of it. We really haven’t discussed what family holiday traditions we should incorporate into our home yet although one we started reading the Harry Potter series, which he read at Christmas time when he was younger. I have actually never read the books before and never really got into the movies. It was slightly nerdy for me as I was a bit of a tomboy growing up on BMX bikes and in dirt 24/7.
I really didn’t want my anxiety and depression to ruin the day and it literally took so much of myself to put a stop to the toxic thoughts. I had also hoped we would be celebrating Christmas with a mini us this year. It will be 3 years in May we have been trying to start a family. Well no, we have stopped “trying”, as my mental health has escalated and so many people say “you will fall once you stop putting the pressure on yourselves to get pregnant now”. Easy said than done. It is a sucky feeling wanting something so bad but you have no control over it.
I have heard just about every word a person can find comforting to someone who just can’t get pregnant such as “It will happen”, “Just you wait”.Wait? I have been bloody waiting. Yet 15-year-olds on the dole are popping them out each day of the week. “Once you stop stressing, that’s when it will happen love”, “all good things come to those who wait”.
– Life is unfair in the most cruel ways.
A new year is approaching though and I can’t continue feeling the way I do or keep dragging my fiance down this dark road with me. He doesn’t deserve my mini psycho spitz where I am that frustrated and agitated with myself or the constant crying and crying because I am not happy with myself…
I could go on forever about how he deserves so much better than what I give him. Don’t get me wrong, no one out there could ever love him as much as I do and I mean that 100% as much of a cliche that may sound.
MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR!
XOXO Daisey Dropper